Childhood Traumas and Our Relationships

Written by Tracey Thomas, Psy. D

At one point or another, we have heard the saying, “We marry our parents.” I counter that thought with, “We marry our intergenerational history, childhood, and past.” We date and marry what we identify as normal.

Our childhood teaches us how to interact with others, expectations for ourselves and others, and boundaries or lack of them. We learn what to accept for ourselves or others.

There is nothing wrong with you or your significant other. The lens we look at one another must be steeped in understanding what is normal for one person is different from another. Our relationships tend to highlight our traumas and insecurities. For example, if we were raised with a lack of control, we look for someone in complete control, or we become the person who tries to regulate the power in the relationship, leading to us being accused as a “control freak.”

Our reactions are due to needing a stable environment that we did not have as a child. No matter how the behavior is displayed, the cause is still the same; our past is bleeding into our now. Once we relearn how to interact with others, it is easier to have a healthier relationship.

We must be willing to explore how our inner child or childhood traumas affect our current relationships and interactions with others. This is not an easy task, but it is vital to understanding how to break the adverse cycles within our existing relationships. The question is always, how do we “re-learn” something so ingrained in us?

First, we must acknowledge what we know as “normal” without shame and guilt. We only know what we know.  Then, we must be willing to work to make these complex changes. Looking within is never easy; countering what we have learned is even more challenging.

Relationship coaches can assist and support us in taking the steps to make long-lasting changes through specific steps and accountability.