Work On The Problem, Not Each Other

Apr 29

“I’m tired of picking up your clothes and collecting your dishes from all over the house—it’s gross and it’s unfair. I’m not your mom!”

Jen’s hand sharply punctuated the syllables of her outcry to her partner Gio, who sat leaning in towards her on the couch in my therapy office and was visibly attempting to remain calm under the stress of receiving her words. I saw the striated muscles of his jaw clench and knew his stress was rising as he listened to her.

“I…” Gio began, “I just want you to see that there are a lot of things I do for you, too. I’m not some kid you’re taking care of. I’m contributing a lot. I cooked and cleaned up dinner on Thursday. I take out the trash every week.” As Gio spoke, I watched Jen’s eyes turn downwards and her arms cross as if she was hugging or protecting herself. “I go to every single one of Bailey’s soccer games,” he said. “Not to mention everything I’m taking care of at work. I’m trying! But clearly I’m failing you – again!”

Jen did not look up from her crossed arms. Her tone was terse and thin as she spoke, “I’m swamped at work too, and I’m exhausted from doing everything at home on top of that. Of course you should be at Bailey’s games. Making dinner. Those things are basic. And it’s also basic to clean up after yourself. It’s called adulthood, Gio.”

Gio’s face darkened with her last words and his body pulled away from her. I could see that this conversation was about to spiral further downwards. Neither Gio nor Jen was doing anything to put the other at ease or constructively solve the problem at hand. They were failing to “work on the problem, not each other,” a phrase that refers to many couples’ tendency to get stuck in a back-and-forth volley of criticizing each other and defending themselves, leading only to increasingly hurt feelings and no productive outcome. In our therapy sessions, Jen and Gio had been practicing working collaboratively to solve their problems instead of falling into a destructive back-and-forth. It was becoming clear that today was another opportunity for each of them to do the hard work of changing their behavior and developing into an effective teammate and collaborator.

“Adulthood?” Gio retorted. “There are plenty of ways you don’t act like an adult. You blew up at your mom the other day again when you know her political views are never going to change. You’re not perfect either and I wish—”

“Hey,” I interrupted gently. They both looked at me a bit startled, as if they had forgotten there was a world outside of their argument. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Gio. But I think you two are off track. You’re both working on each other instead of working on the problem. Remember, you’re trying to solve a shared problem together. You’re a team.” I saw them both nod and relax their bodies slightly, which let me know my words had broken the spell of their argument and settled their nervous systems enough for them to have a fresh start. “Let’s try again.” I gestured for them to turn back towards each other and begin again.

They resettled into the couch, facing each other. Jen began, “I want things to feel fair at home. I don’t want to feel like I’m unsupported in managing things that affect both of us. I want you to be my partner in things at home.”

“I get that,” Gio said. “I just feel like I already am your partner in things at home. That’s the problem, from my perspective. I already do a lot, and it’s not being recognized.”

“But I’m not talking about the things you already do,” Jen said, her pitch beginning to veer upwards in exasperation. “I’m talking about the amount that’s left—which falls entirely on me and is totally disproportionate! Do you think it’s fair, the way things are now? I just want you to grow up and be an adult with me!”

“You’re both doing it again,” I interjected quickly. “Remember, work on the problem at hand—together. Don’t work on each other.” They were both looking down quietly as I spoke. We had done this kind of work in session before and they both knew that they were capable of shifting this dynamic. After a brief moment I gestured for them to face each other and said encouragingly, “Try again.”

“Okay…” Gio ventured, and let out a big sigh. “I really do want you to feel supported by me at home. And I also want to feel recognized for what I already do. What could we do differently?”

Jen’s pupils were constricted and her lips were tight—signs that she was still angry. She took a deep breath and repositioned herself on the couch, seemingly attempting to find her footing with this suddenly more collaborative and generous Gio.

“It’s a big, complicated problem to solve,” she said. “It’s a moving target, because there are always so many new things popping up that need to be taken care of. I can’t just assign you things to do. I need you to be on top of things and able to respond to them as they emerge.”

“Hmm…I wonder how I could become more on top of things. I already feel like my plate is so full.”

Jen prickled at this statement, but Gio noticed and was quick to help her recover using skills we had practiced in sessions before. He cupped her face in his hand and said, “But I want to find a way to do more.” Jen softened and nodded.

“Okay, this might be a big ask,” Gio continued, “but would you be willing to have a 20 minute meeting on Sundays where we can do some strategizing about how we’re going to divide and conquer that week? I will come prepared with my sense of what needs to be done—what groceries we need, who needs rides where, etc. And I think after a few weeks of that, I will have developed a better sense of what I need to be mentally tracking and staying on top of. And then I’ll be able to respond throughout the week in a more emergent way, too.”

Jen’s eyes had widened in surprise while he spoke. “Um, yeah! I would really, really appreciate that. I wouldn’t want to have to direct the whole meeting, you know, because I don’t want to feel like your parent or manager. But I think if we are both preparing for it and coming in with our own lists and ideas, a weekly meeting like that would be really helpful for us.”

“Okay, cool. Let’s do it. How is 8pm on Sundays after the kids are asleep?”

“That works,” Jen said.

“Nice work!” I told them. “You’re doing it! You’re coming up with a solution that works for both of you. Gio, what about your need to feel appreciated for the things you’re doing currently? That seemed important to you.”

Gio nodded. “I actually have an idea for that one,” Jen said. “What if we had a little gratitude practice at night when we go to bed? Maybe we could each say three things the other one did that day that we appreciated.”

“It’s cheesy but I like it,” Geo said with a grin.

“Way to go,” I said. “You two did it!”

It always feels exciting and rewarding to see my clients take the developmental steps they need to take internally to become effective teammates and collaborators with one another. It wasn’t easy for Gio, in this example, to put aside his hurt feelings and show up for creating an effective solution. And it wasn’t easy for Jen, at first, to trust where he was coming from or to reciprocate his generosity in kind. However, both partners stepped up to the task.

As a couples therapist, the personal and relational development involved in the process we saw here is what I get to support my clients in doing. Through establishing clear frameworks of what is possible in partnership, assisting and educating both partners as needed along the way, and holding them both to the tasks at hand, I help my clients move out of old ways of interacting and into new modes of relating that feel mature, empowered, and exciting for them. It is from there—with effective collaboration skills on hand—that couples can go on to create their dreams together and solve the problems that emerge along the way.